its been soooo difficult....

rase cam da lame sangat... tp sebenarnye x sampai pon setahun... in fact, br few months... at first, i was so damn sad... rase cam ditumbuk pastu dipijak n dicincang lumat2.. pastu kene buang lam laut... camtu la perasaan nye... i am trying so hard to forget him.. but most of da time i failed.. in fact da feelings get deeper n deeper each day..  knape aku kene melalui semua tu.. i tot that only happen in movies.. not in real world... but i shud realize that those stories in da movies came from real life.. real experience... as for me that is soooo not good experience... rase cam ade lubang yg sgt besar n dalam dlm hati nie.. each time i'll try to climb out of that hole, i just fell right back into it.. n it sucks... it really really sucks... n i hate that.. dats not supposed to end like that.. i felt so betrayed...n da facts dat i cant tell anyone about it... cause im so damn embarrassed! setiap tempat yg aku pergi, mesti remind me of him... dat is y i hate dat place so much..  but i cant run away.. its not like i dont want to.. its just dat i cant.. i really cant.. sumtimes i always wonder... y do this things happened to me..? am i dat bad n dat diz is da way God chose to punish me..? but i cant do dat.. im not supposed to doubt God.. ni bukan citer hindustan yg bley suke2 nk marah tuhan.. thank God dat i still have my faith in God.. n i will always will.. mybe this is only some reminder for me... always think twice or think a lot before do anything..

people tend to say let bygone be bygone.. i've tried.. n i failed again as usual... people always told me to forgive n forget.. tp still x boleh.. it hurts so much dat i cant even breath! it felt like my heart r going to explode..! sumtimes i just hope dat it explode so dat i cant think about it anymore.. n mybe, just mybe i can be heartless.. so i cant feel anything anymore... when i cant feel, i'll able to think about myself only.. just me.. dont need to be afraid of falling again.. because falling in love is sumthing that i shud be avoiding.. people come n go... but i cant seem to let him go... he probably r enjoying his life to da max rite now.. n i..? stuck in diz stupid memory... its not like im not enjoying my life.. i do enjoy my life.. every minute of it.. but still, theres sumthing missing.. i never care or love anyone da way i love him.. there.. i said it.. i LOVE him! n i still do... dats sad rite.. pathetic i guess... but wat shud i do... hes not mine anymore.. n i hope hes not going to be mine... i tend to believe dat if we're r destined to be together, he'll come back... but now, after all that happen, i really dont want him to my life partner.. as i said, i love him.. but i dont think hes da one for  me...

nevertheless, i tried to accept new people in my life.. but its hard.. cause im afraid.. afraid dat im going to face da same thing all over again.. cause i dont think dat i can handle it again.. n still, im not sure whether i really like him or he just an excuse for me to show to everyone dat im over my ex.. sumtimes.. no.. most of da time, i really wish that we get back together... stupid rite..? i noe... cause like i said before... everything dat i do or everywhere dat i go, it will remind me of him.. it sucks tho...

argghhh..... this started to make me dizzy... i hate it! hate it to the max... i always said to keeps on smiling rite..? but now, even i cant smile.. n i hate him for making me diz way..

"The things that we crave the most are the things that destroy us the quickest."

regards,

a girl with smiles =))