trying to figure out what am i supposed to do........

a lot of things happen... some people say that those things happen for a reason... but still, i cant figure out what is actually the reasons for what is happening around me.... arrggghhhh!!!!! i really wants to go home... miss my home... miss my family... i really do... i hate here... really hate it... but nothing much i can do... i still have like what..?? 2 more years to go.... im trying to forget him... im trying really hard... but still, i always cannot do that... i always wanted to forget him... wanted to get angry... but, whenever he calls, i just cannot stop myself from not picking up the phone... i always wondering.... does he loves me the way i loves him.... does he miss me the way i miss him... does he actually remember me the way i always remember him.... i always wonder...

he hurt me a lot..... but every time he says that he is sorry, i always let him go... even though i promised myself not to forgive him... but still, i forgave him.... what am i supposed to do..... i really hate myself cause not being able to hate him... i really do not know what to do... m trying to distract myself by doing other things... but still, at the end of the day, i will start to think about him... how is he... have hes taken his meal... what is he doing right now.... am i stupid for always thinking about him.....??

i don't know... i do not know what am i supposed to do... i know that i have to do something about it... but i don't know what to do... really don't know.... pathetic rite... im becoming a loser.... damnn...!!! i hate him so damn much!!!! why is he keeps on appearing in my mind..??!!! my friends told me that he is not worth it... i know that.... but still, i cant let him go.... i am trying hard to think that way... but still, i cant.... i know he's not worth it... i know i can find lots of men better than him... but i don't know why...

i can lie to my friends... i can pretend that i am happy... but i cant lie to my heart... my heart just doesn't want to believe that... my heart has the mind of its own... i cant force my heart... im trying but it just doens't want to let it go...

however, I'll try my best to fake a smile.... i know a fake smile can be seen... but still, if i continue smiling, eventually the fake smile will become true....

a girl with smiles =))